The Most Incredible Neewollah Oz Fest Story Ever! The Tale of Timmy Farber

Every year, at about this time, I am forced to tell stories of suspense that will curl your toes and make you cringe with fear.  No I’m not talking about Mr. Ritchey’s office or even the strange odor that emanates from there…. sometimes.

I’m talking about stories that occur during the bizarre ritual called Newollah Oz Fest!!!  You see, Blue Grass Baptist School isn’t just your average run of the mill school, it is a renowned institution, steeped in balone….er….ah tradition, (yeah, that’s it; tradition).

Once again, at this time, I reach into the archives of fascinating Ellis lore and pull out a story that is so incredible, a 7th grader wouldn’t even believe it.  But, as I am such an honored and sacred person at BGBS, I am bound by my holy duty to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So, here is the story of Timmy Farber a young lad on a collision course with fate.

This story dates back a little bit before Mr. Bowles started teaching at the school, approximately 1869, right after the Civil War was over and BGBS had just been reconstructed.  As a matter of fact, Mr. Bowles had just hung up his uniform after serving in the Union army as an elder.  So, if you do the math, you can probably figure out what his age is. (Hint: Just keep squaring numbers and adding zeros.)

But I digress.  It was October, although nobody can remember exactly what day it was, except that it was a school day.  Back in those days, kids had to use a thing called an outhouse.  Just to give you some history on how an outhouse worked, it was a small shack that was outside the main school building, that you went into to confess your sins.  You would sit in there on this little seat and tell God or whoever was hiding behind the shack, what stupid things you did that week.  For example, if you were looking at orthopedic socks in a catalog, or stuck crayons up your nose in an effort to make a girl gag with revulsion, then that’s what you would confess.

Right after that, you would happily skip out the door of the outhouse thinking that all was right with the world, but usually your parents would be waiting for you.  Most of the time, they would beat the living tar out of you and you felt really awkward sitting down for awhile.  Your classmates would typically point and laugh too, but other than that, it was an enriching experience.

The room that we currently use for teaching history was exactly in the same location.  Actually, nothing

BGBS The Good Ole days

BGBS The Good Ole' days

much has changed except the paint.  It was sometime in the afternoon when the event occurred.  The teacher at this particular time, was a guy by the name of Art Vandalay.  Mr. Vandalay was actually a pretty bad teacher.  He really never pushed his students to heights of academic glory the way a certain, current teacher does.  For example, he gave his students study guides.  Yeah, study guides!  Where did he get off doing something stupid like that ?  He didn’t give any homework, but gave the students time to do their work in class.  What a first class jerk!  No wonder his students wound up working at McDonalds.

The most blasphemous thing that he did though, was he gave his students all kinds of junk to eat.  It wasn’t uncommon for him to bring in donuts, (however, many of his students did go into the police force) cookies and even candy.  By the end of the school year most of his students resembled a herd of walruses.  (or, is it walari?)  I mean we’re talking huge.  Most of the students were so portly they had to wear a watch on each arm because they covered two time zones.  I’m talking huge here.

Anyway, Mr. Vandaly knew that Neewollah Oz Fest was quickly approaching so he brought in his usual daily dose of sweets for his students.  Now, on the far left row, second from the front as you face the white board, ( yes, they had those back in those days) is where a kid by the name of Timmy Farber sat.  Timmy Farber had an ambition to be a championship eater.  As a matter of fact, he would practice all of the time which is why his friends would never sit next to him at lunch.  Plus, the fact that he was starting to get pretty huge.  Man, he actually had more chins than China Town.

Just to give you an example of his eating capacity, Timmy Farber inhaled 37 hot dogs in under 3 minutes once, during a school picnic.  Everyone knew from that point on, not to let him be the first person in the buffet line.   It was an incredible spectacle as well, that had almost an obscene quality to it.  You see, it wasn’t enough that he could out-eat every one in the known universe.  No, that wasn’t good enough.  The problem with with Timmy Farber was that he thought he had to cram everything into his gigantic gob all at once.

Yeah, he pretty much stuffed all 37 hot dogs into his mouth at once and then began to masticate his food with such a frenzy that the shark from the movie Jaws wanted his autograph.  Timmy’s eyes would roll up and he had this sort of a grunting sound as he wiggled and moved his arms in a John Travolta fashion.  Most people noted, that the one fascinating caveat of watching Timmy Farber eat was the way his nostrils would swell to the point that you could stuff your fist in there.  Not that anyone tried to do that, because that would be too weird.

Well to get to the meat of the story, (no pun intended) on this particular day in October, just a few days from Neewollah Oz Fest, Mr. Vandalay had brought in an entire bag of Snickers candy bars to hand out to his class.  During the war between the states, the Union had developed the Snickers bars in an effort to keep their war elephants calmed down during battle.  It is just one of those strange parts of US history that you don’t hear much about, but it happened and don’t forget, I’m always right.

Anyway, Mr. Vandalay went down to the outhouse to confess his sins and he realized that if he did not hurry back to class, he would be late.  He had left the Snickers bars out on his desk and he wanted them to be a surprise for the class.  However, by the time he made it to the class he found all of his students were standing around in a tight huddle looking down.  On the floor lie Timmy Farber.

Yes, you guessed it.  Timmy was the first one into the class and when he saw the Snickers candy bars, in their beautifully wrapped packages, the overwhelming aroma permeating the air, he just couldn’t resist.  All 22 Snickers bars were wedged into his mouth like Baptists at a convention.  His eyes bulged out and his nostrils flared bigger than ever.  His bulging cheeks looked like they were going to explode while his arms and legs stuck straight out.  Sadly, as the Fayette County coroner’s office would later report,  Timmy Farber, the young boy that inspired so many to eat and set records for consumption, had Snickered himself to death.

This is not the end of the story by any means.  Every year in the history class room someone either hears the voice of Timmy Farber or sees an aparition of him eating his beloved treats. Students at BGBS have either smelled Snickers bars or found discarded wrappers in their desks and many students have fainted with fear whenever they found their own names smeared onto their desks in chocolate.

However, one question floats through the air like a pea-nutty aroma emanating from Timmy’s former bloated lips.  If you find a bag of Snickers bars in the history classroom, will you make the same grotesque error and join our ghastly guest or will you just eat one?  Hmmmm?

Happy Neewollah Oz Fest

Mr. Ellis

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